AP4 A Dramatic Talk (The Entertaining Speaker Manual)

Objectives:

• Develop an entertaining, dramatic talk about an experience or incident.

• Include vivid imagery, characters and dialogue.

• Deliver the talk in an entertaining manner.

Timing: 5 - 7 mins

THE PERILS OF PARENTING by Joni Siah

How many of you think that babies are cute and adorable? Do you know why babies are so cute? They've got to be, otherwise parents would have long given up on the arduous task of caring for a baby!

In my previous speech on Parenting Part I, I shared about the sacrifices of parenting: sleep, sex and sanity. Today, I will share with you Parenting Part II about the perils of parenting.

There are perils you have to face as a parent. This is encapsulated by the 3Ps: pee, poo and puke.

Let's start with the first P: P for pee. Some of you may think there's diapers, what's there to worry about right? Wrong!!! Diapers do not cover all emergencies. Even with diapers, your baby can leak. If you don't do a night change, the monumental pee dischage can overflow. I have lost count of the number of times I've had to change bedsheets in the middle of the night, stumbling and fumbling around, cursing and swearing most of the time. The next morning, I will invariably wake up looking like Oscar in Sesame Street - grumpy and grouchy.

Toilet training is also a nightmare. I have lost count of the number of puddles I've had to clean up in various parts of my house. Having read online that having a readily available male role model is key to teaching boys how to pee successfully, I arranged for the dad to have some pee bonding time with his son. After watching dad perform, little Joel gives it a try next to the big guy at the big toilet. To make the whole experience more fun and rewarding, we even threw in a few pieces of O-shaped cereal like Cheerios to help him perfect his aiming.

Pee is bad, but poo is worse. Once when I lifted my baby out of the bathtub after his bath, before I could dry him, he promptly pooed all over the towel and my thigh!! I was petrified and panicking, and in a real dilemma: should I clean baby first or clean myself first?

When I was toilet training my younger boy, he took a long time to master the art of pooing in the toilet. He preferred the standing position. Everytime he stands very still with this grimace on his face, you know, it's poo time. Once when I was out shopping at Centrepoint with him, he suddenly stood very still. 'Uh oh!' I thought to myself. 'Jayden,' I whispered, 'are you pooing?' He just remained like a silent statue, perhaps he was too frightened to answer me. I touched his backside and felt a lump, hard as a rock. 'Aarggghhh!' I let out a scream in my head. Quick as lightning, I took Jayden by his hand and quickly led him out of the shop towards the nearest toilet before any other shopper could smell something fishy.

On some occasions, Jayden would tell me, 'mommy, tummy ache' and before I could react, the smell of explosive poo wafts to my nose. I would throw away all his soiled underwear because I could not bear the thought of having to wash it. Once my mom caught me in the act of throwing away his underpants and soundly chided me for being so extravagant. 'You so rich ah, can wash and wear again, you throw away!' Then she proceed to soak the undergarment in a pail of water. Soon you could see brown murky things swimming around in it, attracting flies. Disgusting!!

Then there's the 3rd P for puke. There are 3 things you need to know about puke: first, it happens without warning; second, it happens very fast; and third, you better clean it up very fast. Twice when our family went to Genting for short trips, my two sons took turns to puke during the coach rides. We scrambled around for tissue paper to clean up the mess quickly and thoroughly in case the bus drive came along and condemned us to cleaning duty.

Another time, my son puked all over my car's front passenger seat without warning. Even after cleaning up the mess, the stench lingered for days. I found it so intolerable that I sold off that orange Toyota Vios and replaced it with my current red Toyota Vios.

What is my purpose of sharing with you my wealth of experiences as a parent? It is not to deter you from Parenthood. I would not want PAP coming after me for insurgence. It is to let you know that parenting is not for the faint-hearted. There are sacrifices and perils involved. Are you ready for these challenges?

There are two things in life many people rush into without being fully aware of what it entails. The first is marriage and the second is parenthood. I wish you happiness and awareness in finding your perfect partner and having cute and adorable babies, pee, poo and puke regardless.

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